A Mothers Love is Forever

“Spontaneous abortion” that is what the information sheet the doctor in the Er gave me said. Mind you this was on my way out the door. Nothing like feeling guilty and it was my fault. I remember it like it was yesterday, the picture of that day still painted in my mind. It will never go away. Ever. But to be told that I had lost my baby without my husband in the room is earth shattering. My first pregnancy, everything so exciting and new as we were ready to embark on a new journey together. January 13th 2011, where my world came crashing down. I went into work feeling great, new to this whole pregnancy and not sure what to expect. Towards the end of my shift is when I didn’t feel right. Called my husband on my way home telling him about my pain and concern. He left work to meet me at home. He called the nurse line, who then asked him questions about what was happening. They said to wait and go to my Doctor in the morning. How can I sit there and worry about what was happening to me and my body? My husband then decided we should go to the ER. I messaged my mom, who was with my sister and they both met us there. I was called back ALONE and scared.I had to get an ultrasound done, where I tried to read the techs face as to what was going on. I kept asking for my husband who was worried about me in the lobby with my mom and sister. He finally came back after the doctor told me I had miscarried. He immediately knew it was not good news. I left the emergency room confused, devastated and angry, with a list of prescriptions. Do you know how hard it was to have to tell friends and family that you had miscarried your baby? This was my first pregnancy, I had know idea how to feel. But let me tell you this, BLAME. Blame and guilt. I blamed myself for the longest time. This child inside me was my responsibility to keep safe and I failed! Anger another one. Mainly at myself. These are all strong emotions that I went through. There are times where I still feel them. Had I known about the resources then, as I do now, had I reached out and had support, I think I could have dealt with it a little better. Instead of the Er giving me a pamphlet making it seem like my fault, and given me a paper with resources, things could have been different.

Pregnancy and Infant loss is not talked about often enough. Some find it uncomfortable to talk about, some find it easier. In my situation I found that some avoided me, some consoled me, some said the wrong things to me. But that is not their fault. I do not blame them nor am I angry at them. This situation is not an easy one to endure. This topic is Taboo. It really shouldn’t be. 1 in 4. One out of every four women suffer some type of loss. 1 in 4!!

I started this project a while ago. I sat down and thought how can I help myself while helping others. Let me tell you since starting this, I have had people come to me and ask me how to either cope, or how to help a friend. They would ask me what to say to them, etc. I understand it is not a easy situation to approach. I get it, trust me, had I not gone through this myself, I would not know. I learned the hard way by having people tell me hurtful things, mind you they did not feel they were hurtful. What I am hoping to do with/through this project is to bring awareness, to show women/ men how many of women have suffered some type loss, you will be surprised or maybe you wont.

I rarely post personal stuff on my business page. But I decided I needed to share my story along with these women and their stories. The women you are going to see, wrote their experiences for me. I photographed them, and embraced their stories as they shared them with me. Capturing their emotions as they told me their experiences was challenging and empowering. I have never felt so honored and humble to be able to do this for them.

 

My husband and I decided to grow our family and begin trying for our first child sometime early 2015. We found out we were expecting just before Christmas time that year. We were the happiest we’ve ever been. In January, we got to see and hear our little angel’s heartbeat, and the doctor said he/she was healthy with a very strong heartbeat. It’s a day I will never forget, and a heartbeat I will always remember.

Fast forward to a day in February 2016, which is another day I will never forget. At 12 weeks I went to the doctor for what I thought was just blood work. To my surprise, the nurse said she was going to do an ultrasound first. I was hesitant because I was there by myself. She began rolling the transducer over my stomach… and all I remember is silence, for what seemed like an eternity. She first said, “I don’t have good news….” I just knew. “I’m not finding a heartbeat sweetie.” My heart stopped. I thought if there were something wrong with the baby, I would have miscarried on my own. She informed me that he/she was measuring at about 8 weeks. I was in complete shock. I had just finished preparing our announcement details, and had already made room in our apartment. It didn’t make sense to me, I was so confused. I was given the weekend to decide how to “birth” my first baby. I had no clue what to do, and felt so alone. To this day, I have no idea how I made the drive home by myself. I couldn’t wait to cry in my husbands arms.

Luckily I am part of a mom’s Facebook group, where I received a ton of advice and support, but it was still the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. After much excruciating thought, I made the decision to get a Manual Vacuum Aspiration, but that meant carrying our little angel for 2 more weeks, due to the hospital’s schedule. So at what was supposed to be 1 week into my second trimester, I had to part with our little angel.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was excited when I found out was pregnant.

After a few weeks later I started cramping and bleeding.  My doctor told my husband and I that our baby didn’t make it.  He checked it again and saw that it was still in my uterus but it had no heartbeat and no more growth had occurred.  My doctor told is we would have to have a DNC if the baby didn’t not descend on its own after it passed away. My health was in jeopardy if the baby didn’t pass after it died if it did die.  Still not wanting to believe this, I asked if we could give the baby more time. The doctor said he’ll give the baby 2 more weeks to start developing and have a heartbeat, if not we would need a DNC.  I didn’t want to accept that our baby wasn’t going to make it, so I tried to remain positive.

Two weeks pass, and I stopped bleeding and having cramping.  We thought this was good news, only to find out that no growth had occurred from the baby and there was no heartbeat.  I started to run a fever and my vitals were changing in a bad way. I was getting sick because the baby had not descended on its own after it didn’t make it.  I didn’t want to accept it. I still wanted more time, but there was no more. My doctor finally told my husband and I that our baby died on its own and my life was in jeopardy; unless it was removed by a DNC. It was hard to let go.  I felt horrible for having to have a DNC. The nurses and my husband had to remind me that it wasn’t the same as an abortion. We chose to let it live, but for some reason, it just didn’t make it.

After having to have a DNC, I was forced to accept the loss of my baby. I had a miscarriage- my baby just didn’t survive on its own.   I remember feeling angry, hurt, and even ashamed. I felt ashamed because I thought I miscarried from something I did or didn’t do. This state I was in was, dark, hopeless and just a feeling of heaviness. While I was going through this loss, I made the mistake of staying away from friends and family.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hi, my name is Lindsey Lynch. I am wife to Michael of (almost) 10 years and mother to two sons: one here on earth, Zachery and one who only lived for 4 days, Bradley.
I had an uneventful pregnancy for first 28 weeks until September 2, 2015, when I had an emergency c-section. In the four short days he lived, Bradley had over 20+ different diagnoses. He was a very sick baby, even before he was born. Fast forward to the morning of September 6th (2015), his neonatologist came into my hospital room to deliver some bad news. In short, we had a choice we had to make: surgery to fix his perforated bowel or compassionate care. The hardest decision we have had to make, as parents. We chose compassionate care. We were able to hold him for the first and last time. Zachery was able to meet his little brother. We were finally a family of four. On September 6, 2015 at 12:05pm, Bradley took his last breath, surrounded by his mother, father and brother. Even though Bradley’s time on earth was short, he will not be forgotten. My purpose since he has died has been to keep his memory alive, break the silence of baby loss and to help the non bereaved better understand the grieving parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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